Tell me a story

Today I shared my testimony with a fairly large group of friends. For the first time in a big group setting, it was unedited, uncut and unabridged. What really happened. Even the bits that are really quite embarrassing or simply just painful.

I felt as if I was laying myself bare. I’m quite happy to share my testimony normally, unless I don’t want to make myself too vulnerable with someone (mostly a pride issue with people I don’t like or don’t trust), but I haven’t really had the courage to share the story of abuse with many people.

Someone warned me afterwards to make sure I didn’t always share to that depth as it could leave me very vulnerable. But then it had been my decision to share what I did, and I don’t think I regret it.

Somehow I want to be able to be vulnerable to people, but work out how to do it without being hurt in the process. Being as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves is coming to mind, in the words of Jesus to his disciples. Something to think about, anyway.

A thin time

So, this week has not been one of those weeks. It started out as usual, lots to do, people to see, etc. But then, without warning came the sickness. The sickness that found me lying on the bathroom floor as I didn’t have the energy to stand up to be sick. Then came the aches and the desire never ever to eat or drink anything EVER again. Or even get up from my bed.

Five days later, two books, and at least 30 episodes of the West Wing, I am finally on the mend. Three days only eating a few crumbs and not feeling like anything else took its toll though. Half a stone down, I am desperate not to put that weight back on. Coaxing myself on one hand to try and have three meals a day, but on the other not to get any bigger.

Yes, this is totally daft. I think probably half the weight that came off probably came off from dehydration. The other half is likely muscle, given the effort it takes to get anywhere right now. Both of these are fairly crucial for sustaining life.

Secondly, how could the hunger really be alluring? What about the headaches? The total lack of confindence? The stomach growls that came from always needing food? The black toes from the poor circulation…And we could go on, but we don’t have all day.

I really need to remember that being fat is not the worst case scenario in all of life. That hunger is nto a good thing – it is a sign of need. And that God is bigger than all of this.

And maybe also, that there is just some food that tastes good. And that is ok.

a green eyed monster

I have a friend who seems to have it all. A husband. A house. A baby. She’s totally gorgeous, even remaining radiant throughout pregnancy. She gets good grades. Everyone likes her.

Sometimes that hasn’t been enough for her. Sometimes she has wanted more. She has wanted the things that I have also wanted, and because people like her, often she has got them. Or so it seems.

Not only am I totally jealous, but also insecure about it. So, she is my friend. But because everyone likes her, it feels like everyone else is also in the friendship, in a kind of ten-in-the-bed way that pushes someone out. Somehow, that someone ends up being me.

Sometimes this makes me so angry. Sometimes I wonder what the friendship is really worth if it can be so easily pushed aside, or whether a friendship should be able to be more than one way. But that anger takes me to a dark place.

Yes. Sometimes, my friend could have treated me better, I’m not going to deny it. But then, and more often, I’m ready to admit, it is the state of my own heart that is the problem. Firstly, every time that I compare myself to my friend I’m completely ignoring my own place as a child of God, crafted in His image. And quite frankly, its not surprising that I don’t look beautiful if I’m thinking terrible thoughts. Secondly, I’m totally missing all the good things that are in me, that make me individual.

But even that isn’t enough. These are the cliches that apply to everyone. When our friendship is there, it is a GOOD thing, for both of us. Being under constant attack is undermining that, and also my relationship with everyone else at the same time. Rather than constantly worrying about who I am and whether people like me or not (as that is really what it boils down to) I need to focus on who God is and how I can be more like Jesus.

When my eyes are focussed on God, then, not only will the Attacker have failed in his mission to ruin a good friendship, but also he will have failed to separate me from the love of God. Bonus.