Archive for December, 2011

Whom shall I fear?

Posted: December 22, 2011 in Promises
Tags: , , , , , ,

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Sometimes it is very easy to be scared. It can seem like everything is going wrong, and the world is crashing down around you. Sometimes, the desire just to hurt can be there, and you don’t know why, or how to get it to go away.

It’s not that you want to hurt yourself really. You know that you have so much to lose. You know that it will disappoint those who are hoping that you are getting better. But sometimes, it just feels so dark and tense and horrible.

But there is always a choice. There is always an escape. You never have to hurt yourself. And that is because the war has already been won, believe it or not. We fight in the little battles, but actually, the result has already been decided.

Sometimes it seems easier to dwell in the places of darkness and melancholy, rather than stepping out into the light. I know, from my own experience that I am more likely to get low at night, by myself, especially when I am tired. Nightmares come easily. Darkness is not my friend.

But if the Lord is my light, that changes everything. I no longer need to fear the darkness. We know that he is a great God, who loves his children. He fought so that we don’t have to. And so that we don’t need to be afraid.

If I feel low before I go to sleep, I try to remember to pray for God’s protection. That the nightmares won’t come. That I won’t do something daft. Someone once gave me some prayers that help – here is one if you feel you need it:

May the cross of the Son of God,
which is mightier than all the hosts of Satan,
and more glorious than all the hosts of heaven,
abide with me in my going out and my coming in.
By day and by night, at morning and at evening,
at all times and in all places may it protect and defend me.
From the wrath of evildoers, from the assaults of evil spirits,
from foes visible and invisible, from the snares of the devil,
from all passions that beguile the soul and body:
may it guard, protect and deliver me.

(from the Church of England Website)

Because God IS bigger. Believe it or not.

Attention, please!

Posted: December 19, 2011 in A little about me
Tags: , , ,

Clearly no one likes being rejected. No one likes being the only one not in the thick of things, or being made to feel like they are a waste of space and time. Particularly not me.

I found an old diary this morning, dating back to my difficult teenage years, when rejection from friends and family and school often seemed to be the order of the day. At the time I had no idea what was wrong with my or why no one seemed to like me. It just seemed to happen. But looking back now, it seems impossible that I didn’t understand why. I was so wrapped up in my self and my own world and my own problems, that I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me.

But I was staggered at the number of cries for help that there were – actions blatantly calling for attention so much that the school learned just to ignore it, rather than listening properly and trying to help. Some people tried, but there was just such a great wall up by then, that the situation just got worse and worse.

How many times do we ignore the people who are just a bit irritating, or boring, or we just don’t like? How much do we reject someone’s need for attention simply because they are demanding attention. Sometimes, the dramatic can be a means of expression in itself.

So it is now too late for me. I now know how to get the attention I need from the people I need it from in a way that is constructive and helpful. It is mostly by saying “I need help now”, or “This is a real struggle at the moment” or ” please would you pray for me” or something like that. The dramatic didn’t really get me anywhere. But I think I know now to listen more to those who need help. And I also know now, that even if people don’t listen, God does.