Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Yesterday, someone wrote something horrible about me on Facebook. It was in response to an old joke about the time when I accidentally stood one person up because I hadn’t realised they had bought tickets in advance for the football and I had already arranged to meet someone else….boring, I can already hear you yawn. It was years ago, and there has been forgiveness since.

But someone else decided to chip in with some unwanted comments, saying that I should leave my friend alone as I had already done so much damage, and that I didn’t deserve him. Half their words were capitalised AS WeLL, just making the whole thing a LiTTlE mOrE FReaKY. Hmm.

I know the stats are really quite something. Cyber-bullying is massive. And this would barely even qualify. But it had been a bad week and it just hurt a little bit more than it should have done. Yeah, so it was all in jest. After all, it was an old joke. But some things just aren’t funny when you don’t know someone or what their intentions might be, it just makes things worse.

It certainly made me think about what I post in the future. And just makes me want to pray more for those for whom cyber-bullying really is a daily reality.

Today I shared my testimony with a fairly large group of friends. For the first time in a big group setting, it was unedited, uncut and unabridged. What really happened. Even the bits that are really quite embarrassing or simply just painful.

I felt as if I was laying myself bare. I’m quite happy to share my testimony normally, unless I don’t want to make myself too vulnerable with someone (mostly a pride issue with people I don’t like or don’t trust), but I haven’t really had the courage to share the story of abuse with many people.

Someone warned me afterwards to make sure I didn’t always share to that depth as it could leave me very vulnerable. But then it had been my decision to share what I did, and I don’t think I regret it.

Somehow I want to be able to be vulnerable to people, but work out how to do it without being hurt in the process. Being as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves is coming to mind, in the words of Jesus to his disciples. Something to think about, anyway.

At the swimming pool

Posted: September 12, 2012 in body stuff
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Today I went swimming. Yes, it was part of an attempt to exercise in a semi-healthy way, to try to get my body to lose some of the excess fat it has been carrying around recently. Sadly, that fat doesn’t seem to have got the hint yet.

Anyway, I did my sixty lengths (in a shorter pool, don’t worry) and climbed out. I was just at the point of getting dressed again in the changing room when a young girl came in. She was a character, let me tell you. She didn’t stop talking from the moment she came in (without parent) and proceeded to ask me lots of questions.

“Why did you put that on?” (deodrant, that is). “So I don’t smell.” “You don’t smell” (oh, thanks!) “Well, that’s because I put that on”…

It went on.

“Why are you getting dressed like that?” I realised I was dressing covering myself up as much as possible, with my towel over my costume under all my clothes.

Good question, really. Partly I guess it is habit, back from those teenage years. But partly, I’m just not ready to show off all my (many) lumps and bumps, especially to a seven year old audience. I’m not ready to be vulnerable. I want to hide. Even somewhere like the changing rooms where it feels that people around me are all naked I can’t do it.

But even that feeble attempt to hide was spotted. The contrast between me and her was enormous, as she was dancing about and throwing her clothes everywhere.

Then the conversation moved on. “I didn’t know you liked green” (as I put on my green trousers) Oddly enough, as we’d only met five minutes before, it hadn’t been top of our conversation list.

Then thankfully, someone else came in. The little girl then asked everyone their names, and discovered that everyone else’s except mine began with an H. “Why don’t you change your name? You could be Harriet!”

Maybe that should go on my list of priorities?

Under the broom tree

Posted: July 28, 2012 in Fear, Hope
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I have been reading a bit about Elijah recently. From the high of Mount Carmel he sank to the low of solitude under a bush in the desert, afraid and suicidal. Some people make a lot of the fact that he has forgotten God’s glory manifested on the mountain (see 1 Kings 18), and that he is wading in a mire of self pity. But I prefer to think of Elijah as overwhelmed, and depressed. He is clearly looking at the world through the wrong lens.

Yes, in some way, he has just been on that mountain top. But that didn’t mean that all his problems disappeared, and that Jezebel no longer wanted to kill him. The strain of the incident must have worn him down, until he could take no more, and then he just runs.

Basically, he fell into the trap that we can all fall into so easily. He got hungry (why the angel of the Lord gave him food), angry with the prophets of Baal, lonely (he thought he was the only person left who worshipped Yahweh), and tired. Fatal in his mind. So he prayed that the Lord would take away his life.

Luckily for us and him, that was not a prayer that God answered. He provided through food and water, and an experience that he would never forget.

So even heroes struggle sometimes. Even heroes get depressed and can’t see a way out of their problems.

But thankfully God can. And he does.

Yesterday I saw someone who had something white stuck in her hair. As soon as I spotted it, I couldn’t look away. I was curious as to whether it was the latest trend, bird poo, or simply a mistake.

When I got an opportunity, I took her aside and said something. It turned out to be hair wax, that just hadn’t been rubbed in properly. Better than bird poo. And less smelly.

But I was thinking about it. Would I have been embarassed, had that been me having walked around all morning with something so obvious and no one saying anything? Or would I have been more embarassed to have been taken aside?

I remember coming out of the loos once with my skirt tucked into my knickers, and when one of my friends pulled it down again and pointed our that my bum was on show, feeling hideously embarassed.

But don’t we just have to laugh these things off, like the lady did for me? Something to to with growing a thick skin. And not turning in on myself when I get the first opportunity.

But seriously, why do birds like pooing on people?

Mind the gap…

Posted: March 4, 2012 in A little about me, Fear
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Yesterday I had to travel through London going from the train to a coach and then back again later in the day. The second journey was reminiscent of the Japanese metro where they have to employ people to push people into the carriages so that the trains can still run. As there were lots of engineering works going on, and it was early evening,my return journey was busy.

I like my personal space. Just putting it out there. In fact I really don’t like being touched unless I know and like the person, and even then if i’m particularly tense it doesn’t really work and I try to move away from them. So, crowded tube is a form of nightmare.

First I was crushed against the couple engaged in the romantic pash. What a way to feel like a third wheel. Then there were the people who just pushed me around everywhere. Then someone else was completely unaware that everytime they turned round, their bag was getting me in the face.

And it was at that point that I realised that I was moving away from these people in advance of their getting anywhere near me. I don’t really even know what I was afraid of, apart from the possible lack of deodrant. I’m just glad that I don’t live in London and have to do that all the time.



Found this video today and really like it. In fact I really like the whole idea behind To Write Love on Her Arms. Fantastic stuff. Yet too easily forgotten.

My biggest fear: being rejected. Snakes also pretty high on the list.

My dream: to be well, to get married and have a family as a sign of God’s grace