Archive for November, 2011

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45:3

Darkness. A time where nightmares happen. When things can be hidden. A time when attacks and other crimes take place because no one can see.

A time when tiredness and loneliness can come crashing together and make the world seem like a terrible place until the promise of a new start and another day comes with the morning. A time when the pressures and failures of a day come together and feel like they are insurmountable. A time when I often feel low.

But sometimes good things can come from darkness. Someone once told me that a light shines brighter when it is in a darker place, and it is so true. I still picture the block of flats in the early twilight she pointed to as she said this. Sometimes we need the bad times, the low times to show to us what the good times can be.

And sometimes God can work through our bad times to bring us into a better place. Even when it might feel like He is a million miles away, or that we have pushed Him away through what we have done, He is still there. After all, the God who made the universe isn’t going to change along with our feelings, is He?

It doesn’t always feel like we have riches in hidden places. I know it often feels that I have no riches, no value, no nothing whether openly or hidden. But that is a lie isn’t it? Each one of us has treasures and riches inside because we are children of the living God, and made in His image. Sometimes we just have to dig a little harder to find them, that’s all. But there is a promise in there, that times will get better, and through that we might know the God who has called us each by name.



I’m not going to lie. I know that I am a sinner, made clean through the death of Jesus. Every day I screw up in some way or other – I do something that is dishonouring to God and often something which is horrible to those around me. I am a sinner.

I think it is both easy and difficult to define sin. In many ways, the simple explanation is “sin is something which involves turning your back on God”. And that is definitely true. But someone once asked me whether I would consider someone who was acting in a particular way due to illness as a sinner – maybe someone who was bi-polar on a high behaving in a way that was not their normal self. Would I?

There are people who would answer yes to that question. But there are also many others who would say no. I was one of the yes people, until I realised that that was how I was seeing myself and my self-harm. Self-harm is a mental illness, which makes us behave in a way that we wouldn’t normally. If that is the case, can we really describe our self-harm as sin?

Sin grabs us and takes hold. Yes. But the devil also makes us feel guilty about the things that we can’t control. Instead of feeling guilty about my “illness”, I needed a new way to think about it. Yes, what I was doing did not honour and glorify God, and represented me turning my back on the future he has for me, but it was not like stealing from a shop or murdering someone.

Do not fall into the trap of seeing yourself as a worse sinner than anyone else because of an illness, whether self-harm, anorexia, bulimia, depression, or whatever. The Fall had many consequences, and a broken world was one of them. This is why sin is so difficult to define.

What does it mean for us that our actions arise from brokenness rather than sin? It doesn’t mean that it is ok to give into the temptation to self-harm. But it means that our confession and our cry out to God can come from a different place, a place that can be free from guilt and shame.

This video made me cry when I found it when looking for something else last week. There isn’t much that will do that, so I thought you all could have the privilege of seeing it too…


Posted: November 20, 2011 in Welcome
Tags: , ,

Welcome to my new blog. This is a place where I want to share my journey into healing as a Christian who self-harms. I want to share the things that have helped me and the thigns that have been encouraging, in the hope that they might help others too.

Come and join me!

“But you, Sovereign LORD,
help me for your name’s sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.”       (Psalm 109:21)